Nisreeny 6) The Importance of Self-Compassion

 The Importance of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is one of the most important but most poorly understood concepts. Some people equate compassion with ‘kindness’ and self-compassion with being ‘soft’, ‘narcissistic’, ‘overly indulgent’, or having a ‘weakness’.

This video discusses what self-compassion is (and what it is Not); why self-compassion is so important (including the direct benefits to you for developing more self-compassion); and, it explores the most common myths around self-compassion. 

To understand what self-compassion is, we first need to explore the definition (and components) of compassion. Compassion is also often misunderstood which is unfortunate because it is one of the most skillful motivations, and one of the most helpful attributes, that we can harness in psychology. Compassion does not simply mean ‘to be nice’ nor does it mean ‘to be empathic’. Although sometimes these things may be involved, depending on situation, they actually might not.  

Compassion is a caring motivation that requires immense courage and an important set of inter-related motivations and skills that consist of:

Having precise and sensitive awareness of suffering (Sensitivity);

Allowing ourselves to feel moved (Sympathy); having an ability to understand what is going on from different perspectives (Empathy);

Having an ability to tolerate distress (Distress Tolerance); and,

Having a non-judgmental attitude regarding what is going on (awareness of distress without ‘adding to it’ or going to threat , protective strategies such as ‘shame about shame’, ‘anger about anger’, or ‘anxiety about anxiety’, or ‘self-criticism about self criticism’).

Compassion does not just mean ‘being kind’ – Compassion may involve coming into contact with suffering so that you can do whatever is necessary to help reduce or stop it.

 Imagine a firefighter rescuing a child out of a burning building. They may have children and a family of their own. But, they are skilled, and well-trained, and despite the risks, they use this knowledge courageously to ‘do something’ to help whenever they can. 

These examples are not just ‘kind’ – helping an old lady with her shopping is ‘kind’. Rather, these examples capture the full definition of compassion described earlier. These examples exemplify the qualities of what compassion involves: Sensitivity, Sympathy, Empathy, Distress Tolerance, Non-Judgement.

So, again – Compassion requires: being willing to understand the nature and causes of suffering while also being willing and courageous enough to come into contact with (vs avoiding) that suffering, so that we can actually do something to eliminate or prevent further harm in the best ways that we can.

Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is ’empathy’. However, although compassion involves empathy, compassion is not simply empathy. After all, empathy in combination with other qualities can actually be a terrible thing (emphatic killers make the most cruel killers precisely because they are empathic – they cause people great pain and torture specifically because they are good at understanding other people’s feelings!).

Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is the same as ‘sympathy’. However, compassion is not sympathy (‘feeling sorry for.  Whereas sympathy is passive, compassion is active because it involves both choosing to feel moved by suffering in order to do something about the feeling (eg, think of a mother or father cradling a sick and fevered child – they are doing what they can, even if means coming in contact with the child’s illness). 

In a nutshell, compassion is what arises when witnessing suffering that motivates a subsequent desire to help. As you will discover, Self-Compassion also brings together the Same skills as compassion, and directes them onto one’s self: (self-) awareness, empathy (towards self), distress tolerance (of emotions within one’s self), courage (to be with and help with the challenging parts of one’s self), intention (to care for one’s self), which requires much wisdom, strength and persistence. 

The purpose of Self-Compassion is not simply about removing your difficulties – it is the opposite. Self-compassion means attending to suffering within one’s self while having the intention to do something that is helpful because that is precisely what we are needing when we are suffering.

What is Self-Compassion then ? 

Self-Compassion means taking responsibility for our actions while recognizing that we didn’t choose so many factors in life – we didn’t choose our genders, our evolutionary histories, our ‘tricky brains’, the countries we were born into, the families we were born into, or our developmental or trauma histories – so much of our lives is determined by factors outside of ourselves. 

Despite this, many of us still go around blaming and shaming ourselves for what we did wrong. Yet, when we can move towards a courageous fierce and empowered compassionate understanding, we can realize that although So much in life is not our fault, it remains our responsibility to do something about how we choose to act. So as you can see, neither compassion or self-compassion are about being soft or kind – it’s about taking charge and being accountable for our actions. This means understanding that we are suffering, and doing what we can – because That’s What We Need. 

Self-compassion means extending the definition of compassion above (that means, both Parts of that definition – not just ‘Prat B’) to instances of perceived shame, inadequacy, failure, or any other kind of suffering such as self-criticism, or difficult inner experiences that we might be struggling with. Self-compassion motivates us to achieve our goals, cope with adversity (i.e., increased resilience), take responsibility for our actions, and noticing our needs and caring for ourselves (and others) in a sustainable ways that are workable. 

Why is Self-Compassion Important?

Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us. Self-compassion results in many benefits, including reduced isolation, increased mindfulness and reduced over-identification.

Self-Compassion is the antidote to self-attacking – our “inner-critic” self-critical or self-sabotaging attitudes, reactions, and punitive feelings that can hijack our confidence or peace of mind, triggering out threat systems. This can often lead to destructive behaviors.

Self-compassion is a way to deactivate the brain’s threat system by activating its ‘safeness/soothing system‘ which works for you so that you can take responsibility and turn towards working with difficult feelings and thereby respond more effectively to life’s challenges.

Self-compassion is more beneficial to our psychological well-being than self-esteem because it is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.

Researchers have found that participants who displayed more self-compassion when talking about a relationship breakup evidenced better psychological adjustment afterwards and that this effect persisted nine months later.

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